I have developed a theory. The theory is this, we all start at point A. That is birth. Point B is death. There is a line connecting point A to point B and that line… that silly line! Everyday there are 8,000 things the enemy throws at us to keep us off the line, to leave us distracted and stupid and involved in everything except getting to point B. And, really, the only map, GPS, or directions we need to get through this life is as simple as one line connecting A and B.
Recently I was at a football game and my 19 month old son, Tripp, was off in the park playing with the big kids somewhere. One of the kids came back to the bleachers to check in with her mom. I asked her if she knew if Tripp was still alive. Another parent thought it was kind of funny that my concern was life or death and nothing more. And,, honestly, that’s the point I was at. With everything going on, if it wasn’t dying, it wasn’t going to get my attention!
Last night I watched my niece, Kelsie, race up at the grueling Rolling HIlls golf course in Weiser. The name, “Rolling Hills” doesn’t really hold meaning until you are running it cross country style, I’m sure. That girl, really, has no desire to run. She is not passionate about it. We all encourage her to keep with it because she is naturally great at it. She got 4th yesterday (1st from Weiser) with absolutely no real advance preparation or desire. It’s rather sickening. There are other kids, who WANT to have that skill, but will never have that natural ability. Running rolling hills may get easier, but it will never be without difficulty for them.
I am that girl! I am the one who would be at practice everyday and try hard and never be the one in front. ( I love you, Kate Rose.) For runners like us, it’s a battle of body and mind and soul.
I feel like I can’t quite get a grip on everything going on in the race of life right now. My status checks are about my mom’s longevity, my long-term health concerns, my un-relationship with my dad, and serving the Lord in all I do. It is sort of an interesting experience because I can feel myself changing. I’m on track, running with perseverance the race sat before us to point B. Everyday I am dodging distractions trying to get me off pace or off track. I’ve had to sift through and get rid of stuff that isn’t on fire and deal only with the super hot stuff.
Last night I found out that I didn’t win an award for a local community event. It is so hard to remind myself, and all of us who have been running the race with perseverance for awhile, that we do not need recognition to keep us on course to point B. (It feels like we could use a cheering squad, though! ) It’s not until you’re faced with being upset or disappointed that you discover who you are. Why things bother you or make you sad show where your heart is. Who you are in those times is just as, if not more important, than who you are good times.
This week I turned down the process of moving forward on a bank loan. They wanted me to write a detailed explanation about two things, in particular, on my credit score: 1. Why did I miss one car payment (late 30 days) 2. Why did I have medical collections in 2009? I felt such a slap in the face. They honestly could not gauge my character based on the 59 payments made on time? The medical was in regards to my daughter needing to be life flighted with a consequential week long hospital stay in Boise. It was right when we got the shop, things got away from us quick and before you know it, you have big debt. I wrote the response letter a month or so ago, to the bank underwriter, but I had this feeling to wait. I finally KNEW what I was supposed to do and I told the loan officer I couldn’t go through with it. I don’t trust the character of the bank behind her if all they see when they look at me is a flawed number.
I am more. Maybe it is in the revelation of “self-worth’ that I have been changing. I made a bold step to stand up for others in our community. It is hard to go against the grain of our local networks and honor hard work and perseverance.
I got sued this week, I think I own like $2, I’m not “businessperson of the year” worthy, my father hates me, I’m a bank liabilty, I’m in pain, my mom is struggling… When I get to point B… when all of this crap is behind me, only ONE thing will matter. I will be able to stand before God with integrity and a smile and arms wide open, because I’m gonna make it. Earlier this year, I didn’t know if I would. Now I am back on the proper course, broken, sad, and confused, but I’m there!
Point B. Nothing. Else. Matters.