Now what?

As of today I have zero impending doctor’s appointments.  I have two prescriptions, one for depression and one for RLS.  Google it.  Other than that, I’m winging it, party people.  Right now I’m dealing with a lot of problems in my upper body – it’s almost always been more of a leg issue with me.  I am having chewing, swallowing, and talking difficulties.  It’s not all the time and I don’t know how to measure or describe it very well.  Oh, don’t you worry, I’ll try.

Several years ago I stopped reading to my kids at night.  I didn’t know why.  I got it now.  When I read out loud, there seems to be something that triggers immense fatigue in my throat and neck.  The more I talk, the tighter my throat will get.  Not really painful, just uncomfortable and difficult to talk through.  I’ve been slurring.  I’ve had trouble enunciating words that I’ve never had issues with.  It’s almost like my mouth forgets.  Sometimes, it’s like somebody’s thumb is just pushing on the outside of my throat in, sort of like a weird lump in your throat that comes and goes.  Sometimes, even, I can actually feel the muscles on the inside of my throat sorta snap or something.  As far as I know, I am not hallucinating.

A couple months or so ago, it became real obvious that it was messing with me eating.  Dude, you don’t mess with a girl and her food.  Chewing became a lot of work.  Mostly in the muscles just behind my jaw, under my ears – not so much the jaw itself.  By the time I would get half way through a meal, my neck would be tight and almost burning because the muscles were so tense.  It is exhausting.  Sometimes, mid-sentence, I have to almost catch my breath and take a rest to finish.  It is so weird.  I surely must be crazy.

My arms are fatiguing really easy.  I noticed it strikingly when I was changing some hardware on the sink at the flower shop.  I had to reach up to spin the wing-nut on and it was as though I was reaching through cement.  By the time I got the one side tightened, I could hardly turn my wrist.  Maybe I am mistaken, but I don’t think I should have this extreme of weakness and fatigue from something so minimal.

Toby and I have watched my weight drop and we’re getting concerned.  I have a LONG ways to go before we have real issues but, I experienced a very similar episode in my life the year after Quincy was born.  They finally ended up sending me home with a nurse and IV steroids for several days.  At that time, I think I dropped down to under 90lbs (bumped up 10lbs the weeks following the ‘roids!).  I was in bad shape.

Historically, I’ve recovered from all of these difficult times.  Sometimes, though, Toby and I wonder if this is what dying is.  What will the next symptom be?  What will it take before someone can help us clarify all of this?  Will I lose the flower shop before that happens?  How many more relationships will be damaged because of my health?  People do not understand, “I am not feeling well.”  How many of my dreams do I have to let go of to carry this cross for the Lord?

I’m stuck in this weird place of believing Jesus is my savior but not trusting Him to save me from this.  I’m prayerful He can change my heart.  What if this is it, guys?  If the rest of my life is going to physically feel like this, I do not think I can continue my flower shop business.  I feel urgency that I get these tests and doctors and whatever done because my life is literally on hold, waiting to see what the Lord might reveal.  I need to make decisions but feel I only have part of the information to consider – is there really NOTHING medical professionals can do to help me feel better today?  Is this from the lesions on my brain MRI or is this a whole other disease process?

I pray for answers and direction.  Please, Lord, hear my prayer.  Please bring me comfort.  I know I don’t deserve any better than this, but I pray for your mercy and grace.  Please, Lord, strongly advocate my voice for me and guide me through this. Let one hospital be curious and encouraged to help me.  Please, Lord, take the strain of these health problems and carry the burden for me.  The finances, the flower shop, the scheduling, the referrals, the interviews.  Lord, please help me.  If this is your will Lord, for me to be in this broken body, then I pray for clarity and discernment on what to do next in my life.  Let me find you in all I do today, Jesus.  Amen.