Who has two beautiful gerbera daisies and gets to see a neurologist next week?
I am relieved and excited! When I think about it too much I get anxious. Here’s the thing.
I cannot put all my stock in this neurologist. I did that with the Mayo Clinic and it was really defeating. I have to set my mind on Jesus and thank him for the progress that will be made at the doctor next week, whatever that is. I pray that no matter what I will be joyful, continue praying and have a thankful heart. I cannot come up with the number of different outcomes that next Tuesday might bring. Definitely MS and still on a progressive slope? A different, treatable form of MS? Not MS at all??? Do I still have to have another spinal tap? Are there really lesions on the left side of my brain now? Is that what has caused the dysphagia? How severely can this problem progress in MS? What can I expect the tremor to do over the next five years? Can we do anything for the pain? Am I crazy? I almost wish she would tell me I really am actually just crazy and this is a hallucination.
My grandma was 36 when she lost the use of her legs because of her severe and progressive MS. Her name was Franka. I didn’t know her as a granddaughter ought to know a grandmother. I knew her as handicapped, drooling, in a wheelchair, confused. She was on her horse and my Papa Roy told her to get off and get the gate closed. He saw the cattle getting out and came over to where she was and she couldn’t move her legs to get off of her horse.
This last month I had my 34th birthday. That morning I chatted with a friend who happens to have the same birthday as me. His mom had MS and she died when he was 15. It’s hard not to be scared of my disease progressing to the state of being paralyzed. On my 23rd birthday I went to a neurologist because the tremor, muscle fatigue, and pain had all started the November before. That was the day that he told me that we were first doing a scan for MS. My scan came out with lesions on it, smaller than would be expected, and the week after that neurologist told me that I was a mental patient. He said there was nothing wrong with me and that Toby needed to get me to a psychiatrist IMMEDIATELY. There was screaming and chaos and people gawking. Straight out of a movie. Crazy.
Two weeks later, I wake up one day and I fell multiple times trying to stand up out of bed. I didn’t understand what was going on and I realized I couldn’t bear any weight on my right leg. It’s not that it was painful or there was something damaged, I just couldn’t walk on it. I finally figured out how much of a stride I could take and though it wasn’t much, I was not going to waste it. I called Toby and told him what was going on. Then, I hobbled down our apartment steps and went walking. I walked and walked around the busy Boise city blocks surrounding our apartment. Toby came home from lunch and tracked me down. From the way I was walking he knew I needed assistance. We went and bought a cane. I had to use it for several weeks and then tapered down to months until I finally was strong again.
Sometimes I wonder if I was actually spared. I really think that if I had laid there in my bed, crying, and grieving I’d still be in bed. Progressive MS typically starts in older patients and it usually does involve walking difficulties as the onset of the disease. I wonder, if my choice to get up and walk was honored by God before I even knew Him.
There are so many outcomes of my doctor’s appointment. So many possibilities. I’m afraid to hope for comfort. It may be in God’s will that I am meant to suffer. We may not be able to slow down or stop this disease from happening. I am prayerful that whatever the doctor tells me, if she tells me I’m crazy, tells me she can’t do anything, can or cannot give me medication… whatever it is… let my hope and my faith and my strength be in my Master and Healer, Christ Jesus. Please pray for me.