Stuck

We’re in a holding pattern.  A position unknowing.

Just waiting.  At the end of the month I will be going to OHSU in Portland to be evaluated by expert neurological docs.  We are hoping they might be able to distinguish if I have spinal damage, MS, or something totally random that we haven’t even heard of yet.    It takes a great amount of courage to believe God can make this mess beautiful.  He can.  I’ve seen it over and over in my life.  It’s just hard to apply that to yourself when you are in the throes of disappointment, discouragement, pain, and frustration.

Life just keeps getting messy.  Even with this major appointment on the docket, life doesn’t pause for us.  The flower shop is very much a fourth child.  It could be a really great gig for someone.  Honestly, it does pain me to think about selling it, but I think that’s what it might come down to.  Being the only shop in Weiser is beneficial to a degree.  The problems for us come in because in order to run a great business, I need to be there more.  I am physically worn out and am there as minimally as possible right now, which even on slow days for a few hours of standing, causes a lot of stress and physical pain.  It is very difficult on top of three children, homeschool, and my health.  My Toby is not able to keep a regular schedule with HP, so we don’t really know when he will or won’t be home to help with the kids so I can go to work.  His only day off is Saturday which he tries to enjoy training in Boise.  With everything that goes on Sunday – it is not a day off – and I guess that leaves me with no “real” days off to choose from.  Even on my days off I get calls from work, have to stress about upcoming funerals, holidays, and I have to be on call to come in and help. 

Without the shop, I still have three crazy kids and an extremely dirty house to keep up with.  I feel like the best decision for ME is to sell the shop.  Toby really wants me to hang on.  He wants the shop for our family and our future.  I get that, I do, but I am so tired of hanging on.  You don’t make a ton of money being self-employed.   So, there’s not like this financial money tree I’m hanging onto.  I really enjoyed the creative parts of the job and I totally rock at business when I’ve got my game face on.  I believe I could apply the same business skills I’ve learned at the shop to any industry and be successful. 

The problem is that there is dread where there was once joy.  Even if Toby comes in and takes over, I still have a lot of pressure on me to make product and be the back-up.  It would also be an extensively long transition period between when we could feasibly not need HP – probably a year or more. 

Ultimately, I don’t think the shop is conducive to my goals of health and healing right now.  Even though Toby is home 65% of the time, the other 35% that he is in Boise, is very difficult for me.  I am embarrassed to admit that.  Ashamed.  But, it’s true.  If you think about something you love, love, love to do and then throw on the aches and pains of a bad flu, you wouldn’t want to do it.  Try applying that same concept to things that you don’t even like to do everyday of your life.  It makes life suck.  I don’t want life to suck anymore.

I suppose I am going to honor my husband and hang on to the shop securely until after the June appointment.  Even if I felt better, do I really want to live the stress-filled life that comes with this business?  Do I want to have to juggle three kids and their schedules and Toby’s ever-changing HP schedule and mom’s cancer and chemo and employees…  do I really want that on top of the shop?  I don’t know.