There is something deep and dark and sad within me. Something that words, man, there aren’t even words to pray. I start praying, but the words are empty. They don’t mean much. Even though I went through this amazing “miracle” cancer procedure with my mama and everything seems like it’s going to be okay, there are still so many hurts in my heart and the presence of God is not felt within me.
I made a hard choice at the flower shop this year and hard choices mean hard roads. It was a difficult journey coming and going and leaving the shop during one of the most prosperous weeks the shop will see this year so that I could be with my mom during her surgery and recovery. Without a full-time florist, how do you flower shop, right? During Mother’s Day week. A group of awesome angels and Toby geared up to rescue me and I tried, through the miles, to give them direction as much as I also tried to let go.
The experience at UCSD wasn’t just about my mom. There was this inevitable “break” that would happen at the end of all of it. Me and her and Oscar’s ceviche and the beach for a few weeks of recovery time. The biggest break I’ve gotten since my oldest was born 12 years ago. A break I fought, but a break I realized I needed. And, just as I succumb to it, it’s scooped away into the emptiness it came from. And the month turns into just days and I come back late to work early and hard and I’m left feeling well undeserving of rest and quiet and finances and goodness.
That’s the thing with me. Always unworthy. I can work hard and get all this seemingly “extra” money, but there is always medical debt. There is always a prescription. You get one bill paid off and turn around to find eight more. Lesions scattered across my brain MRI, new lesions, at least five, and I get the call from my neurologist’ assistant, “Everything on your MRI was normal.” This is not normal. The radiologist even notes that this is an abnormal presentation of Multiple Sclerosis. At what point will I really get help? And how much will that cost? I’ve invested at least one college education into my health and have no long-term help. There is no light at the end of the tunnel except that of heaven.
The pain is everyday. Sometimes a leg, sometimes an arm, shoulder, neck. This “Stiff Person Syndrome” thing, that I have positive blood tests for, that nobody will treat me for, is seemingly progressing. Spasms, cramps, inability to walk far… no escape. The only thing that helps it is rest and sleep and there are not enough hours in the day to sleep it off. Sleep I often wish I won’t wake up from.
I went through this school of hard knocks with ministry, hoping that somehow, being devoted to Him and His word would somehow benefit the rest of my life… it doesn’t work that way. Just because you serve, doesn’t mean He offers you protection from the pain. Just because you love Him, doesn’t mean He will make it easier. I laughed at scripture, really laughed, that said He was with me holding my right hand. He is not with me right now. I often wonder what I’ve done to earn this life and what I need to do to get Him to help me. I am at a loss. I can’t even believe His promises because I don’t want to be hurt by His abandonment anymore. I know I’m not good enough, let’s just, both, settle on that so I can stop trying to love you and you can stop rejecting me, ok?
I cried on my way to church the other day. A faith choice to go, my feelings telling me I’m going to continue to get hurt chasing after this Jesus, especially here. The church, my once beloved church, long since feeling like home to me. A hard reality that I’ve been working on since last October and beyond. A church, ironically, where my husband is now the associate pastor.
On the day when he serves communion, his first time being approved to do so, was the first time I didn’t take it. The first time since becoming a Christian eight years ago that I didn’t celebrate in Christ’s death by consuming the bread and juice, a remembrance of Him. Wouldn’t you know, that I’m in this empty pew, Toby up front to pray over the sacrament, and sure enough the pastor of the church comes to sit by me. Then, the tray of bread and juice is served to me by two of my loves, my Brucey and Ster, and I have to audibly tell them I’m not partaking. Then, the pastor’s wife comes to sit by me after she is done helping to distribute communion to the congregation. The one day I don’t take the elements because I know my heart is long from being right with God, I have my husband officiating, my pastor and his wife sitting on each side of me, and I can’t even just pass the tray, I have to verbally and shamefully turn it down. Of course it happened that way.
I probably shouldn’t, but I feel super embarrassed. Super stupid that the two most meaningful people in the church sat at my right and left while I sat empty handed during one of the most intimate rituals one can partake in for our God. It was humbling and hard. My lips didn’t move in worship that morning. I sat, eyes mostly closed, clenching onto tears.
Sadly, this is most of my days. Waiting for the pain, always on the defense. Facebook became one of those places. Not only because people, good “Christian” people bring me down, but because I gave up on sharing the story, sharing His glory, when I realized that I was only going to continue getting attacked -spiritually, physically, emotionally. Unable to continue spouting out how great things are, when deep down I didn’t feel loved and protected and hope for the future. His promises empty.
I am as weak and poor spiritually than I have ever been, even pre-Jesus. We have enough money to get by, but there isn’t a future of prosperity for us, despite how hard we will have to work. There is not a doctor in Idaho that can help me and I don’t know who to go to and I’m not wasting anymore of my time or money pursuing empty attempts at getting help. The physical pain is my only constant.
I am at this point that I have to accept that this is life. I was born to suffer and endure emotional, physical, and financial pain. I’m at this breaking point where I need to decide if it’s worth it. Where do I go from here? There is nowhere to run. There is no God holding my right hand guiding me to a place where I can be favored like my mom and Toby. These two. If I didn’t have them and some of God’s goodness that I was able to breathe in when I’m around them, I probably wouldn’t have any favor at all. I am both thankful and hurt that I can’t be loved the way they are. The way things just happen and align for them always. Not much effort on their behalf. And, I’m here drowning… it doesn’t take long before you realize that you’re the one that doesn’t fit into this Kingdom. And it’s so hard fighting it. And, I’m tired. The deep, dark sadness inside of me festers bigger and my worth has wore down to just shreds that once were.
I’m sorry that I am not a source of hope and joy and spiritual enlightenment today or always. Sometimes, like now, it’s just too hard to fake it anymore. Pain too close to the surface. Just, too much pain…