It has been a hard couple of years. I keep saying that. And then, new stuff comes up and it’s like, “How can it be harder?” Isn’t it just the same level of life’ness, recycled, reabsorbed, restarted in a never ending battle of wake ups and sleeps?
I’ve been on a new journey of self-awareness in my busy life as a mom, wife, florist, and business owner coupled with a very dark trek of depression and crappy circumstances. It’s been rough.
I’ve recently come off a very sticky patch with my health – needing a cane to walk due to pain, stiffness, and cramping in my hips and legs. I started slowing down in November – December and needed the cane by the end of February and March. My neurologist, who treats me for Multiple Sclerosis, doesn’t think this is MS. So, uh… we’re, like, terrified this is the beginning of the bad part of the disease, only to find out it’s not MS’like? It’s not typical of an atypical disease. We’ve heard this before.
New questions abound about Stiff Person Syndrome and my blood test results we had at the Mayo Clinic years back. Is this SPS? MRI says it is not a bad disc or true sciatica. Regardless, the tummy-flipping turbulence the leg and walking problems have caused this year seems to be fading. With it, the urgency to get help. I was in so much pain and there was nobody to go to and nothing to stop the discomfort. It is a harsh reality about living in a small Idaho town with a difficult health problem. You really are at the mercy of God.
My perspective on God has been shifted and His entity has developed greatly in my mind as of lately. For so long my relationship with God was centered around the church. I was very comfortable. In this valley that I am in, I can now see God in a sorta wild global capacity. With the new vision I have of His vastness, I also have confidence in my reliance on Him. I have wondered and cried and doubted and feared but, I have never let go of Him. If things wouldn’t have gone exactly how they have gone, I would not have the experience of knowing what it is like to be individually gripping to the old rugged cross. It is radical to be able to identify yourself as an individual clinging to Jesus simply because you have nobody else left.
I have struggled with life. With depression, conflict resolution, relationships. I have guarded my heart so carefully in these last several years. I feel if there is ever a chance to turn ashes into beauty for my life, I am very near the cusp of that deliberate, intricate, and unique brushstroke of God’s handiwork.
My heart keeps searching the story of Joseph. Betrayed by his older brothers because he was favored. Nobody likes the teacher’s pet, right? I don’t know if that’s exactly the vibe but, I think it’s close. So, they sell Joseph to some traders or something, pretend he was attacked by animals, and dad thinks Joseph is dead. Through the years, Joseph turns lemons into lemonade – like, eight times – and is in control of Egypt during a famine. This famine causes his family to starve and seek Egypt for help. Joseph is the dude to represent Egypt for this matter. He recognizes his brothers, they don’t recognize him. He is crafty and makes a plan to be reunited with this father and little brother. It is a beautiful disaster of a story.
I don’t want to miss my chance at my own redemption story. I am down, but I don’t want to be out. I still want the chance to thrive and live big and dream up plans that excite me and make my palms tingle. I want to live big and hard and free. I want to leave a genuine legacy of depth in love and in character. I crave Christ’s plan for my life to be revealed and for my mind and heart to be obedient.