My shop is really going to be for sale. I suspect it will sell this time. There is a big lump in my throat. A moment of self reflection: I used to have potential. Twenty years ago I graduated a kid with promise for a future. A lot of people invested in me with scholarships and time. And as it turns out, I wasn’t that promising.
My roommate and near life-long friend, Gretchen, can testify to that! I moved out of my house within a week following high school graduation. I moved in with my sister to Moscow, Idaho. I would be attending the university of the same great state in the fall. I was a pre-medical major. Fancy. I really did have the potential for this.
I spent most of the summer running, making myself puke, and playing on the internet. That fall I started at college only to end early – a disappointing seven months later. I could not function. I could not articulate what was happening at the time, but see it now as a post-traumatic reaction. I wasn’t able to sleep, maintain a schedule, was extremely harsh on my body with alcohol. In addition, I was also sick. I didn’t realize when I started getting “real” sick a few years later, that it really started here.
Pink-eye got in the dorms and immediately I get it in both eyes, severely. I can still remember Gretchen grabbing me warm washcloths so I could open my eyes in the morning. I got a walking pneumonia that required a week out of classes. When I left, I went home with a mononucleosis that wouldn’t quit – swelling in my liver and lymph nodes lasted well into the next summer.
The only thing I was amazing at in college: writing. My first essay read aloud by my professor. It was about a handsome red headed boy named, Todd. I killed that paper and many more.
All these years later and my grammar still leaves something to be desired. But, in what appears to be a mess of a life, I have one thing that I can still do to the beat of my own typing… I can write.
At this present moment I feel trapped and suffocated and that is why I am writing. Knowing that my flower shop will be for sale, very soon, and my chance at the “real world” is dwindling away, I am sad. I have tears of grief and regret. I don’t think I ever really had a chance to try it 100%.
I started it with two kids under the age of 3, a part-time I job I kept for several years after I bought the shop, a husband who worked in Boise and spent many extra late nights and weekends there to pursue his own interests, a mom filled with cancer, and living with what would later be diagnosed as MS. I didn’t do that bad, but I normally don’t give myself credit for it. The flower shop was always viewed as the subordinate job by both my husband and I, a mere hobby that paid for itself. I got the chance to pursue it more full-time once Toby and I agreed to let the kids back in public school, but at that point I was paying for mistakes of years past and trying to figure out how to get back to investing with what I knew now, and I was behind a lot. After getting the MS diagnosis, around this time, we tried to venture into a joint building and business combination, but it still didn’t work.
As the kids are aging, it is easier to be at work, but it is getting much more difficult to be spontaneous with my time. And, I am saving all my energy for work. I don’t feel good, all the time. I am a prisoner of pain. Being so trapped and filled to the brim with tension just as you are, makes it hard to be flexible. Both physically and emotionally and mentally. You’re just trying to cope with making flowers, much less trying to mentally power through how to keep bills paid, employees busy, kids occupied, everyone happy, etc.. It is a lot of work just to be.
And, so it is as I let go of what was and look forward to what is to come, I am afraid and pessimistic and sad and filled with regret.
That was my big try at life and I am not satisfied.
I am fearful that as I go back to having no income, no source of money, I will continue to waste away in my worthlessness. God chose finances to illustrate value. Phooey, right? Unless you’re rich. Ha. As a married couple, we’ve always had separate finances and I don’t ask for anything well, much less money. That will be hard. I don’t think there is money in my husband’s budget and I am concerned.
While my husband and I dated, started our lives together, and even as we lived here in this town for the last thirteen years, Toby has always had this thing and his hobbies and his friends and his life. Before we moved here, I would just go where he was playing. Whatever it was Toby did, I watched, played, or followed. I had no self. I am concerned that losing the shop also takes away anything that makes me tangibly special to this world and I lose all the ways I found to play and get by in life.
If this blog finds you today, wherever you are, please pray for me. Most recently, my husband posted a blog page I wrote on Facebook and an astounding number of people responded with prayer. I don’t know if anyone read what I had to write or they just prayed, but I could feel something change within me and there was no other explanation except Jesus. The only thing it could possibly be is the peace that surpasses understanding. I would ask for your continued prayers.