I have often, in my most vulnerable form, felt disgusted with and at myself. In fact, my perception is that I have often disgusted others. Mother, father, spouse, sister, children, and half of Weiser were probably disgusted with me at some point. The mistakes I’ve made and continue to make. Hypersensitivity, they say. If being who I am and just not being enough for some folks, is hypersensitive, then, yes, that is what I have. Especially in a small town, a small place. You know. It’s becoming more apparent to me – my wonky behavior and inability to handle situations of not winning, not being chosen, and feeling rejected. Understanding why this pain hurts me so deep and why I do what I do in response.
I believe that it all goes back to repulsing my loved one out of my life. Someone who was supposed to love me forever, but couldn’t. Someone who caused me so much pain, but couldn’t love me. It burned so deep, hard to breathe. It sparked a spiral of flaming chaos in my already tender heart.
The realization that all relationships in my life are endable and that I am rejectable in my purest form was just too much to handle. It carried over into the rest of my life. Okay, that’s being modest. The consequences of PTSD, years of emotional confusion, and finally the rejection by my parent, were a perfect landslide of chaos for my life. I could no longer carry it all. My 30’s were a disaster.
As I prepare to close the journey I have been on at the flower shop, in addition to entering my forties in several months, the song “Landslide” resonates with me. I play it often while I’m working alone. Tears trickle the counter and sprinkle broken stems and discarded petals. I have been so afraid of change. Totally built a life around a flower shop. Here I am old and sick. Albeit bolder. Ready to step into who I am and what I can do with this chance.
The decision to sell the shop came at a time when I desperately wanted to continue to make it mine and improve it. But, I knew with a few months of physical therapy there was no coming back. I was plateaued, for now, in a situation, where owning and working at the store is just too much for me. It is humbling. I never thought it would end this way. This soon.
With MS and whatever else is causing my leg and walking problems, my shoulders, neck, and arms, to be too tired, my hitting a wall of fatigue with a few hours of work… It’s not compatible with all that needs to be done. I am not enough right now and that makes me very sad.
We are presently trying to get in with Dr. Linda Bateman in Utah to see if an additional test or diagnosis other than Multiple Sclerosis might be helpful with my treatment. What are we missing, Lord? I expect to find out, anytime, if they think they can help me at the Utah clinic. They won’t see you if they don’t think they can offer anything beneficial. I have to hope, right? I can’t live like this forever.
My hip issue is resolving tremendously. I believe there was inflammation in the joint, probably caused by spasticity, that caused bursitis. This is my theory, alone, after my own research. Treating that inflammation has not completely healed the hip, but has helped 50%. My walking is much less painful. I still have an almost always there pain, specifically in the back of both my legs. It’s aching and has been there for over ten years. Last November, the right leg became dramatically worse with cramps and stiffness, but now the left is starting in. Is this progression? Anywhere from a light cramp, to the feeling of meat being torn off the bone. Down my shin, inner thigh, the outside of the thigh is the worst… My knee has super rad fasciculations, like, right on the side of my knee cap. There are nights when stabbing my leg would feel better than the pain I am in. I think the Neurontin has helped a bit with some of the general leg pain, but I am not satisfied with the issue being resolved in any way. There is mild to severe cramping and pain in the leg whenever I am sitting for a few minutes, standing for a few minutes, or laying down in one position for too long. I can no longer bend the leg at night because it will spasm until I get it straight. Even then, Ibuprofen, Tylenol, Baclofen, Neurontin, Requip, repeat… my days are a constant cycle of medicating just to get around. Waking up in pain most nights. I am half the person I used to be – if that.
I. Am. Grieving.
Transitioning to a different life and letting God take over is pretty wild. I laugh as I think I really have no idea what could happen. My goal is to make it to August 31 with the shop. A perfect florist’s dozen of twelve years ownership! If I don’t get any bites, we will transition to an at home work environment for me.
I am trying to add as much as I can to the shop to get her dolled up and attractive to a buyer. I am making daily strides to make little things better. I am keeping busy. I am trying to keep moving forward, even though I feel defeated. It is hard.
I look forward to the day when I see what God was doing and understand His plan. He wouldn’t allow the pain if there isn’t something phenomenal He could do with it. He is the only One who will never be disgusted by me. He is the only one who thinks I have value when I feel deeply sad by the people in my own world who don’t.