Flower Power – Blooming in Idaho

At the Cross

April 27, 2016April 27, 2016Blooming in Idaho, Cancer Schmancer, Flower Power, Jesus Freak1 Comment

13010065_1190407934327524_647494530_o — Mount Soledad in San Diego. Mama Sue and Dana. March 2016

Standing at the cross of Mount Soledad in San Diego, last month, mom and I took in the scenic view as we embarked on this crazy journey of cancer fighting. Fighting for life.

It’s interesting that our host would advise this location as one of our tours. Now used as a war memorial, the cross stands among the beautiful blue skyline of San Diego despite legal efforts to have the piece removed. The cross still stands.

I reflect on the meaning of the cross and the death of Christ on the cross and there it was… He wasn’t at the cross fighting for His life, but ours. Fighting for OUR lives, by sacrificing His. The only perfect offering that could satisfy the Creator and bring the grace of life – full and everlasting – to all who believe.

It really is kinda wild to believe Jesus is who He says He is. To believe the scriptures. To choose to believe, by faith, with your heart, that He died for you on the cross… and thankfully He did that we might receive the Holy Spirit.

And with this Spirit, the power to commune with God intimately and continually. What a gift. All of these doors for San Diego’s cancer treatment have flung wide open. By the grace of God and with the power of the Spirit.

It is, with faith, that I must conclude Jesus is leading the way for this spectacular cancer treatment that we are days away from embarking on. May we be sensitive to His guidance.

Tomorrow my mom and I fly down to San Diego to meet with the surgical oncologist and go through a round of pre-operative testing. It’s a super quick trip and we will be back Friday night. Wouldn’t you know, the chaos of flower shoppin’ would ensue this weekend as well? My Mother’s Day preparation isn’t quite where I had hoped it to be, but God will surely work this out, right? A couple of angels have volunteered at the store this week, and next week I have a great staff lined up. Lord, help me trust in You during this busy, chaotic time.

My blogging time is not accounted for, but I need a moment to rest and be still, so take that. Most of my spare time is, for the next week and a half, absolutely rare and intentional. If I believe Jesus can do rad things like rise from the dead, heal the blind, walk on water, and ascend into heaven… surely I can have faith that He will take care of my silly flower shop needs, my pain, my mom’s enormous cancer procedure, my family, and all of the anxiety and stress that are attached to this life right now. Right?

As much as we associate the cross with Jesus, it’s also a symbol of our association and heir to His mercy, love, power, and grace… May I look upon the cross as a symbol of life full and everlasting. In the weeks ahead may we rest all of our worries, doubts, and fear at the foot of the cross. May He provide mama healing, peace, and comfort, super natural. We thank you for your provision, direction, and hope, Father. Amen.

A complicated, beautiful mess.

March 29, 2016March 29, 2016Blooming in Idaho, Cancer Schmancer, Flower Power, Jesus Freak, Multiple Sclerosis & Chronic Health1 Comment

I have a moment. One unoccupied, take advantage of the quiet, moment. Life is blurrish.

In January, I had the mindset to sell the flower shop. My beloved. I was realizing my place was to support Toby and our children and I was feeling defeated in my physical self. At that time I put the shop on the altar of sacrifice.

Little did I know that February would upend me and despite my notion to sell the shop, I didn’t have time to prepare. I was trying to run a business, Toby had to be gone for work, Valentine’s Day, I prioritized finding a surgical oncologist for my mom, and then there is house and children and that silly MS thing. I found myself with no time to organize and inventory and prepare the paperwork for the proper sell of a business.

What is my goal? Take what I can get and get out quick? Or, wait, re-stock, re-group, and take the time to sell it well. I still haven’t finished my research on how to valuate a business. My business. My mind is always whirring and positives and negatives both stung me hard. With all of this cancer talk and not knowing what was to come, I chose to cling to what I knew. Ultimately, my brain and my heart couldn’t decide if I could lose them both. My mama and my shop. If I was going to lose my mom, could I stand to lose the structure that the shop forces me to have?

I’d like to think I was one of those who would just pick up the pieces of life and keep keepin’ on. But, I know myself. I know how chronic illness and depression pull you into idleness and days of pain turn into months and years of pain. Pain, regardless. I need something to draw me out. The intention of the shop was to be that place. But, that place had turned into something to avoid. Paperwork piling up, behind on bills, taxes overdo, more bills, and all the people… people I loved with relationships that turned bitter. Life took a hard twist and friendship was broken and things at the shop aren’t the same. And, things got more complicated.

The complicated issues of cancer on top of the complicated layer of flower shop on top of the complicated layer of family with three complicated kids on top of the layer of complicated MS on top of the layer of complicated everyday life… would the fabric of my life be softer without some of these layers? Could I weave a more fluid life?

I could. I think I could.

But, then my choices to fight hard would turn into the easy choices of submission. Submitting to cancer doctors and surgeons who gave my mom up for dead. Submitting to my presumed future disability instead of doing what I can now. Submitting to dreams left unfinished. I know reality, and I know that I may do some of these things in the future. I know submission can be a beautiful thing when done for the cause of Christ. With these things, however, I am not there yet.

We are waiting for biopsies and tumor board meetings and surgery dates for my mom. She has a very realistic chance at a few more years of life, instead of certain death. We are fighting hard at the shop to pay off debt, then to restock, then to start growing again, all with the thought of making the business a more valuable asset to sell at the right time. The right time. His time.

I’ve been learning about hope. Hope is trusting in His timing. And, the thing is, is that if we have hope in God, we have hope in two things. We have hope that even if cancer hits hard, we are heaven bound because we believe Jesus died to make this possible. We have a second hope that God isn’t going to leave us hanging. We may be hanging by a thread sometimes. A complicated, barely there thread from the complicated fabric of our lives, but we have hope that He won’t leave us that way. All this hangin’ makes us stronger and soon we are swinging into the next step He has planned for us. His plan for us to have a good life, a beautifully complicated mess, and have it to the full. Amen.

Crossing the Jordan

March 28, 2014Blooming in Idaho, Flower Power, Jesus FreakLeave a Comment

I’m almost afraid to type today. Afraid too much of the truth might come out. Such a difficult time of my life. I feel terribly alone and scared and sad. Trying to cling to the Lord. It’s hard. It’s hard to breathe.

My marriage has seen better days. Toby and Dana. Two peas. We’ve been together since we’ve met, less the one week it took me to lure him away from his long-time girlfriend. Best friends. Able to do pretty much anything together. Despite everything against us – dysfunctional childhood homes, divorced parents, financial distress, health issues, and the regular chaos of life – we made it 12 years, or so. That’s amazing in this society. They should give out big trophies to people who make it to another anniversary. People like trophies. Maybe people would like marriage if there was a trophy incentive.

Most men do not hang around when the lady is sick. It’s a fact. Right now a lot has fallen on Toby’s shoulders. I am unable to keep up with the kids and stuff. Tears fall off my cheeks as I type today. Heartbreaking in black and white. I think all of the little stresses in life have just added up and completely overwhelmed me – to the point that my plate is overflowing and I’m dropping oranges to pick up grapes, ya know? A constant juggling act.

I think the biggest issue at the core of all of this, is the inability to schedule – from one day to the next to one hour to the next! If you’re up all night in pain, you’re less likely to want to be busy in the morning and the morning is typically your best time… and you don’t always have a rhyme or reason to what is causing that pain to stop it. Once it gets out of control, it’s more difficult to calm down. In addition – there are other symptoms besides pain – I’m having cognitive issues – speech, speaking, short-term memory, inability to do regular tasks – I have to write down every step to complete a day of chores. I’m emotionally different. I’m withdrawn, irritable, and sensitive, at times I feel no emotion where I know I should feel something. The fatigue is really intense right now. I went out to shovel a bit in my garden a few days ago. I got two scoops tossed and my arms and legs were done. I cried. Yesterday I was able to get a few more licks in and that made me happy. I feel so restless. So much I want to do. I suck at this.

I suck at trying to deal with this and I’m a terrible wife. Trust me. Toby feels so unloved and unappreciated. I complain, whine, and feel sad all the time that he wants to be out living. I am constantly asking him to be home because I need him here to help with kids or so that I can go to work or because I’m just fed up and past my threshold for the day. I am jealous of jiu jitsu. I know, I’m a brat, huh? I am very selfish and somehow make everything about me. If I don’t change, and allow him to escape for training and his life in Boise, I’ll probably lose him forever, because he is at a loss of what to do. Our marriage is very fragile right now. He is a fix it person. How do you help someone so lost as me? I’m not fixable on this earth, I don’t think.

I am dealing with so many issues past and present – my dad, my mom, excessive self-loathing, a disease I don’t know how to fight, how to run a business, educate my kids, keep a home, and raise a husband with his own life and hopes and dreams. It’s hard not to feel so stuck. Wanting to go run and play and work hard and make my way, but only physically being up to rest on the couch.

If you know me, you know the person I am right now, is not the person I am. Please, please, please know that I am not myself. I don’t know how to get through this. I’m going to go visit with my primary today and get some anxiety medication that should help settle things down up in my brain so I can get some rest in the other parts of my body. I am uncertain if the diet is helping, and I’m at day 27. I do not feel any change in energy level or pain this week. I got a monster flu-bug and spent most of Wednesday night on the floor of the bathroom. Haven’t done that since my early 20’s. Ugh. I’ve had a couple of other infections come up since doing this clean eating, healing diet. They discourage me in the sense that my body should be able to easily fight them, but my immune system is super shot down. Wondering if it’s worth it. I’m pursuing medical specialists, but it all takes time.

Still unsure what to do with my business. There are employees there relying on income, but I am just so tired of spending all of my energy there when that is what I am doing – getting my employees paid. It does give us a lot of financial freedom. I am able to purchase groceries, help with a bill here or there, and it’s my source of my personal money. The money we do get from it is not worth the stress and headache of it all right now. I went down there a bit last night, paperwork stacked up, chores to do, open house to prepare for, weddings, funerals, prom in a few weeks, Mother’s Day without my mama, graduation, Memorial weekend, Fiddle Week… I came home and felt like I was going to have a nervous break down. I told Toby I would rather just close the store than go through the Jordan… because it feels so big.

Please, please, please pray for me. I need God to do a big work in me.

My Vase Overfloweth

October 24, 2013October 24, 2013Blooming in Idaho, Flower Power1 Comment

We have an amazing client who offers us a good deal of business and the opportunity to play with expensive flowers and larger than normal arrangements that one in Weiser-Po-Dunk, Idaho would ever get their hands on. They are particular – they demand quality. They are willing to pay for my talent. That makes me smile when I type it. It’s an interesting gig. They are beyond millionaires and own a home in our area. We never know when to expect them. They have a private jet and come into town for a break every so often. They are amazingly nice, practical people. As practical as gamilionaires can be. Their wealth is incomprehensible to me. I can only assess that the Lord is blessing me with this amazing account. These are some of the projects I have worked on for them. I am super thankful that when the income from these flowers are rebounded I am going to be able to pay a lot of bills. I am so relieved!!!

The above picture is an aerial shot of the centerpiece below. It was about 16-18″ tall, I think. Yellow calla lily’s, stargazers, roses, hypericum, buplerum, asiatic lily’s, stock, freesia, snapdragons and waxflower… I am so overly annoyed that I didn’t get a “real” after picture. We filled in the holes with standard sized yellow roses after I took the picture. You can pretend it’s perfect.