mother – Blooming in Idaho

I’m almost afraid to type today. Afraid too much of the truth might come out. Such a difficult time of my life. I feel terribly alone and scared and sad. Trying to cling to the Lord. It’s hard. It’s hard to breathe.

My marriage has seen better days. Toby and Dana. Two peas. We’ve been together since we’ve met, less the one week it took me to lure him away from his long-time girlfriend. Best friends. Able to do pretty much anything together. Despite everything against us – dysfunctional childhood homes, divorced parents, financial distress, health issues, and the regular chaos of life – we made it 12 years, or so. That’s amazing in this society. They should give out big trophies to people who make it to another anniversary. People like trophies. Maybe people would like marriage if there was a trophy incentive.

Most men do not hang around when the lady is sick. It’s a fact. Right now a lot has fallen on Toby’s shoulders. I am unable to keep up with the kids and stuff. Tears fall off my cheeks as I type today. Heartbreaking in black and white. I think all of the little stresses in life have just added up and completely overwhelmed me – to the point that my plate is overflowing and I’m dropping oranges to pick up grapes, ya know? A constant juggling act.

I think the biggest issue at the core of all of this, is the inability to schedule – from one day to the next to one hour to the next! If you’re up all night in pain, you’re less likely to want to be busy in the morning and the morning is typically your best time… and you don’t always have a rhyme or reason to what is causing that pain to stop it. Once it gets out of control, it’s more difficult to calm down. In addition – there are other symptoms besides pain – I’m having cognitive issues – speech, speaking, short-term memory, inability to do regular tasks – I have to write down every step to complete a day of chores. I’m emotionally different. I’m withdrawn, irritable, and sensitive, at times I feel no emotion where I know I should feel something. The fatigue is really intense right now. I went out to shovel a bit in my garden a few days ago. I got two scoops tossed and my arms and legs were done. I cried. Yesterday I was able to get a few more licks in and that made me happy. I feel so restless. So much I want to do. I suck at this.

I suck at trying to deal with this and I’m a terrible wife. Trust me. Toby feels so unloved and unappreciated. I complain, whine, and feel sad all the time that he wants to be out living. I am constantly asking him to be home because I need him here to help with kids or so that I can go to work or because I’m just fed up and past my threshold for the day. I am jealous of jiu jitsu. I know, I’m a brat, huh? I am very selfish and somehow make everything about me. If I don’t change, and allow him to escape for training and his life in Boise, I’ll probably lose him forever, because he is at a loss of what to do. Our marriage is very fragile right now. He is a fix it person. How do you help someone so lost as me? I’m not fixable on this earth, I don’t think.

I am dealing with so many issues past and present – my dad, my mom, excessive self-loathing, a disease I don’t know how to fight, how to run a business, educate my kids, keep a home, and raise a husband with his own life and hopes and dreams. It’s hard not to feel so stuck. Wanting to go run and play and work hard and make my way, but only physically being up to rest on the couch.

If you know me, you know the person I am right now, is not the person I am. Please, please, please know that I am not myself. I don’t know how to get through this. I’m going to go visit with my primary today and get some anxiety medication that should help settle things down up in my brain so I can get some rest in the other parts of my body. I am uncertain if the diet is helping, and I’m at day 27. I do not feel any change in energy level or pain this week. I got a monster flu-bug and spent most of Wednesday night on the floor of the bathroom. Haven’t done that since my early 20’s. Ugh. I’ve had a couple of other infections come up since doing this clean eating, healing diet. They discourage me in the sense that my body should be able to easily fight them, but my immune system is super shot down. Wondering if it’s worth it. I’m pursuing medical specialists, but it all takes time.

Still unsure what to do with my business. There are employees there relying on income, but I am just so tired of spending all of my energy there when that is what I am doing – getting my employees paid. It does give us a lot of financial freedom. I am able to purchase groceries, help with a bill here or there, and it’s my source of my personal money. The money we do get from it is not worth the stress and headache of it all right now. I went down there a bit last night, paperwork stacked up, chores to do, open house to prepare for, weddings, funerals, prom in a few weeks, Mother’s Day without my mama, graduation, Memorial weekend, Fiddle Week… I came home and felt like I was going to have a nervous break down. I told Toby I would rather just close the store than go through the Jordan… because it feels so big.

Please, please, please pray for me. I need God to do a big work in me.

Feeling a bit stuck today. Not just today but lots of days, but especially today. Stuck in a sort of good place.

I’m puny right now. Been on the couch quite a bit. I’m not very good at this “listening to my body” crap and normally I do what I want or have to do regardless of my body. These days, I feel like I don’t have the gumption to get up and go. Sucks. However! I was stir crazy enough by yesterday evening that I was excited to go to Bible study last night! That’s a good sign I’ve learned to recognize in myself. When I *want* to get up and go and have the motivation to do it. A real good thing.

I’ve left my last two shifts at work early. I sent out a message to get another florist hired to replace me ASAP. It’s not what I want to do, but it’s what has to be done. I know who I want to hire. I’d appreciate prayer that the flower shop continues to thrive, that I am able to give it over to God in every way, and that my team continues to make it happen while I’m absent. Thankful that my mom is there to oversee a lot of the day to day operations. Thankful for my Barbara and her loyalty to me over the years. I love you, B. Thankful for Shannon, Alexa, Greg, Kelsie, Toby, and D’Ann. They all make the shop what it is.

Blessed.

In an effort to understand God’s love for me, I’ve decided to start documenting stuff about God and His love. I’ve been wrestling with some ideas. A lot of us look at “love” as one blanket term. I’ve learned that with God, love is revealed in different forms. They even have names that I don’t know how to pronounce. As a parent, you can identify some of them without knowing that there are scientific psychological scholars who were paid tremendously for making up a word we can’t pronounce, but know is there.

See, if you put yer kids in time out, you love them in the way of discipline. You want them to be better human beings so you choose to punish them to correct behavior. Welcome to my relationship with God! Seriously. I have a lot of discipline left to learn before I am an acceptable human. I’ve gotten a lot better, but I still need so much refinement in this area. Doing what needs to be done even if you don’t want to do it. I suck at discipline. And, I respond to it in anger toward God, a lot, which He doesn’t really honor so much. I look at it as rejection and being disliked. Regardless of how *my* brain interprets things, I think we can all agree that discipline is a difficult form of love.

In contrast, some of the more obvious forms of love – affection, time, and gifts – are the way that most of us have learned to receive love. When God plays the ole switcheroo and suddenly love is not in the form of provision or protection, but in the form of discipline… um, it’s a stinky baby. Ha. Not that I haven’t been provided for or protected, because I have. But, the physical withdraw from God and His replacing that physical love with spiritual love, has been very difficult for me to understand.

This is how I think God would be talking to me right now.

“Dana, we need to talk. (*sigh*) You’re going to sit in time out and think about things because I need you to realize that my love for you hasn’t changed. I still love you the exact same way I love all of my kids. But, I want more for you! It’s ready and it’s yours! But, you’re going to have to go through some tough crap to get there. I promise that it’s going to be worth it. But, I guarantee that at some point you’re going to want out because, girl, the tough stuff hasn’t even started. Here’s the thing – whether you choose to acknowledge me or not, I’m there. You can choose joy, because I am there providing you with joy when you have none. You can choose peace, because I am always there offering my peace when yours is rocked. You can let go of those negative, scary, anxious thoughts and think about me and my stuff. My stuff is way more powerful than anything you can contrive. My stuff, added onto your uniquely made self, is a pretty rad combination. You are where you are for a reason. Look at those babies, look at your adorable husband, Toby. I’ve given these gifts to you. Look at your beautiful mother and sister. They may not make it to me, without you. You need to be here. You need to get over yourself. You have a purpose. You better buck up, pull up your big girl panties, and get’rdone.”

Yesterday Toby held the kids and they were all crying over me. It really sucked. We all know my health is getting worse and they are so scared. My throat issue is pretty intense. It’s actually kind of funny because it feels like the sensation of being choked. Not painful, just awkward pressure. I have to gulp extra sometimes. Food doesn’t seem to bother me as far as choking on it, but I get tired eating meat or cheese type of textures. Yesterday, it was as though every 30 seconds to two minutes, I get these waves of choking in some parts of my throat or esophagus. If this is an MS thing, it basically falls on the mercy of our Lord. I don’t think that there is much in the way of treatment and it’s associated with more severe forms of the disease. The 28^th can’t come soon enough! My friend, Elise, has some of the same swallowing issues and she is warned against eating alone and stuff. I’m not ready for those types of restrictions! Like I would really obey that.

Anyways, the funny part about it is that my husband is a purple belt (?) in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. A big part of this sport is submissions and choke holds. It is the goal. It is what Toby works so hard to learn how to execute and what I am seeking so hard on how to avoid. Irony. God is grinning right now.

Until we know what is next, the girls have been asked to step it up a notch in our home and that is difficult for me. I know I rely on my Q a lot already. She doesn’t complain. Toby doesn’t complain. Sometimes he gets frustrated, but seeing how statistically men tend to bail ship when the wifey gets sick, it’s pretty profound that he’s still here. I am not a big ball of sunshine, so the only reason I know I have him is because God loves me.

God loves me enough to give me three amazing, healthy children.

I know God loves me because he blessed me with the best mother on planet earth.

I know God loves me because he gave me D’Ann, aka “thebestbigsisterever”

God loves me enough to bring me the most loving, supportive church family a girl could ask for.

I have a flower shop and more importantly, my Barbara.

I have a house, car(s), and more than I physically need.

I am blessed enough to have to deal with 1^st world problems.

A door opened to get me into my neurologist much sooner than expected.

I know that God loves me because he has taught me to be more obedient with my money which has helped with a lot of stress in my life.

Today is my real day off. Which is really a day at home with my babies. Homeschool. Housework. I’m so thankful the Lord has given me a rest. I could get used to this “love” thing.

Tag: mother

Crossing the Jordan

My get up and go might be busted.