peace – Blooming in Idaho

My poor mama is still waiting to hear what the doctor thinks about this cancer business. Because the scans the doctor needed could not be done all on the same day, but four days apart, records were also sent four days apart. Which means half of our material missed their weekly meeting times. I was being gracious when I said last week that hopefully by Tuesday, as in today, we would have an answer. I think God took it as an invitation to strengthen my patience.

And, the answer we’re waiting for isn’t even an answer. It’s just the next step.

This is chronic cancer.

You brace yourself repeatedly with one foot ready to adjust and move forward with the next treatment step, while the other foot is still trying to keep things stable where you are in case the news isn’t what you want. As the deadline to the mini-surgery approaches, it is seriously scheduled for Friday in San Diego, and we don’t even know if she is eligible, or the if the cancer is too far advanced, there is certainly a heightened sense of stress and tension.

Trying to choose peace.

Wanting to relax and rest in Him.

Super hard for me.

My brain is mostly a mess. My home is 68.7% mess. The flower shop is 65% mess. Easter has arrived in the store and fragrant lilies are taking up lots of space. Not knowing whether or not I will be there this weekend also weighs on me heavy. How do you prepare a flower shop for the florist to be gone? That’s a good pickle you got yourself in, Dana. Not enough time or finances to train someone. I have surrendered to doing my best. My mama will come first, that is my choice. I believe God will honor that and protect the rest. Dude, that sounds so good in theory. Application is the bugger.

As we wait to hear the results, please pray. Pray for us to respond to the doctor’s decision with ease and grace. Pray for us to be patient. Pray for my mom as she deals with so much hard uncertainty, once again. Pray for healing and hope. Amen.

December! I don’t know how this happened. December? 2015? Life has felt good and slow and easy. It surprises me that I type that because, really, we have been pretty stinking busy and stretched. But, it *must* be a God thing, because I don’t think I should have this much “okayness” with life right now. I know that God is with me because I can look back at the chaos life has served me and feel okay. Not just okay, even, but, peaceful. And, there is joy…

The pain isn’t keeping me down all the time, but it’s a subtle reminder of growing disease. A year ago I was walking a couple of miles everyday. I am thankful now, just to walk to my car sometimes. I have been using my hands, more and more, to walk up my thighs as a way to help myself up from a seated position. We’re going to get some of those handles installed around the house, sooner than later. 35 and hips and back growing too weak and painful to stand up without assistance. Humbling.

The reality is, it’s looking more and more like I drew a really bad lottery… twice. Though I have only been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, I also have positive blood tests for Stiff Person Syndrome (SPS). SPS is rare. Super rare. 1 in a million. My neurologist is treating me for it now with every prescription most Google experts recommend, with the exception of anything IV. That is saved for when it gets bad. I thought I might go to some real life expert in Seattle to get the official diagnosis, but… I am being treated now. Which is more than a lot of people who are and are not diagnosed, and suffering, are getting. For that, I am thankful. For right now, it’s the best that can be done, regardless if I have an official diagnosis.

After 15 years of dealing with the medical community, I sort of have an idea of which battle to fight. If, in fact, this is SPS, I am still at a mild stage of the disease, but there is progression. Particularly, the lower back and hip problems. I want to be the fighter.

I want to keep making to-do lists that are too long and planning my church service months in advance and I want to keep daydreaming and pushing this little flower shop along. I want to cuddle my boy and chase the girls to all their activities. I want to see my middle schoolers thrive in Jesus and my Bible study ladies devoted to God. I want to fight.

I have such a great coach in my husband, Toby. He routinely inspires kids and adults into greatness at his jiu jitsu classes, at youth group, or in his sermons. How fitting that God would pair me up with someone so encouraging and strong.

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My husband, Toby, and my mom, Susan, at the annual community Thanksgiving Dinner our family hosts in Weiser. And a bag of turkey gizzards.

It’s also ironic, or completely DIVINE, that I have been able to watch my mom so closely fight her cancer over the last 9 years. Although life has been cruel, hard, lonely, and unfair, here she is! Doing the best she can, where she is, with what she has. That 18% chance to make it two years. Ha. After having small intestine cancer reoccur 6…7 times (I honestly lose track), surgery after surgery, battle after battle, she gets back up and tries again. Most would have succumb to the cancer. The pain, the bills, the depression, the weight of it all. My mom has endurance and heart. All bundled up into a beautiful smile and the most tender soul. She is a fighter.

God is good, I am always loved, and I will fight, too.

Tag: peace

So, this is cancer.

Oh yeah! I am a fighter!